Kill Me Now: Why Work Sucks

- B

I love it when people leave a voice message of themselves fumbling to hang up the phone.

After living in the heart of the big apple for 3 years (Manhattan) I decided to move back in with my parents at the beginning of this month/year in hopes of saving enough money by the end of the year to feasibly buy/mortgage an apartment. I guess it’s the better long term plan, but as far as the short term goes, it’s absolutely torture.

I am a tissue. The entire train is silent except for the person who stands right next to me sneezing and coughing on me. It seems like a daily occurrence. I’m consistently next to the sick person on the crowded train every day, and to make matters worse, they always stand in a position so that they’re facing me and coughing straight onto me. As I walk to transfer onto my next train, I brush away the remnants of germs still clinging to my jacket. The 4/5 train comes often, but is always brimming with suits who glare defensively at the newcomers to their daily grind transport machine. I ram into the crowd of suits, and somehow manage to find a space at the edge of the entrance just in time for the doors to shut, millimeters from my nose. The silent crowd searches for things to stare at in an attempt to avoid the awkwardness of having another person’s face inches away from theirs. And then the person next to me breaks the silence by sneezing and coughing on me for the remainder of the ride.

Some guys at work are assholes in the bathroom. In the morning and after lunch are when the bathrooms usually have limited vacancy. It’s not a problem because there are separators between the stalls, but every once in a while, some guy decides to be the asshole who stands far enough away from the stall to bear all. Some guys piss with their hands on their hips, their dicks hanging out and standing 2 feet away. They look down at their dicks with a stern look as if commanding it to urinate. I absolutely do NOT want to see a dick, first thing in the morning. In fact, I don’t want to see a dick ever unless it’s my own, or it’s donking Jenna Jameson. These guys should die. No seriously, they should be mauled by wildlife.

I need for this week to end right now…

Dedi-fuckin-cation

Note that it is now 1:55 AM, EST and I am still at work.

-L

Boobs!

What does a woman hope to accomplish by emailing a man an anonymous photo of her boobs?

This guy talks about such emails very often, and I was always under the impression that he meant it as a joke. Not until Rob actually told me a while ago that women, in fact, do send internet "quasi-celebrity"-types such as himself and Jason Mulgrew digital images of their naked bodies (sans faces, of course), did I realize that people actually do this. But you can’t blame me for assuming there wasn’t any merit to Jason's claims because, quite simply, what’s the point?

First off (and no offense to any big-time bloggers out there), bloggers, even successful ones, are not particularly special. Sure, they’re funny, they provide entertainment, and, for some, their internet fame has resulted in relative success—all very laudable accomplishments. But no one has achieved the level of celebrity that would give many women the secret satisfaction of knowing that he has seen her in various forms of undress that they might get from sending Johnny Depp pictures. Secondly, these photos are usually anonymous. Clearly they don’t want the guy to know who they are, so how is he going to reciprocate (take that to mean whatever you want it to)? Lastly, men don’t seem to do this. Correct me if I’m wrong here, but in the unlikely case that this site becomes suddenly popular, I’m not expecting men to feel compelled to email me with photos of their erect penises.

So why does this happen? After much thought, these are the conclusions I have drawn:

1) Women like attention—they crave it, they need it. Even if a woman achieves nothing more than a reply of, “Nice” (which is really the least a guy can do after some girl who was molested as a child sends him a shot of her mammaries), she feels content knowing that someone thinks her tits are “Nice,” and is possibly using them as inspiration for masturbatory fantasies.
2) Women find the romantic notion if being someone’s muse very gratifying. See above. They all want to be like Kate Winslet lying on a sofa naked with a giant diamond around her neck while a roguish chap without a nickel to his name draws her and then screws her in the back of someone else’s car like the classy broad she is.
3) Women are self-conscious about their bodies, so when one thing is working for them, they like to show it off to take attention away from what is not. Hence the cut out/blurred faces.
4) Men are very receptive to visual stimuli. While a man often needs to discuss things that a woman is interested in at length in order to engage her, a simple nip-slip in his email inbox will fascinate a man for an extended period of time (these times vary depending on how much actual boobage he gets to see and how often he sees it). Therefore, a woman who feels that a blogger has done her a great service by occupying a large portion of her billable hours with his witticisms feels that a picture of herself with a finger up her ass serves as sufficient reward. On the other hand, a man would be better served…not…sending a girl a picture of himself with his finger up his ass.
5) Women secretly want to be sluts. Society doesn’t really like sluts, so they either have to remain anonymous about it or subject themselves to ostracism and judgement from their peers. Or they could embrace it and become Jenna Jameson.

-L

Loyalty

I’m well-aware of my flaws. I’m loud, offensive, overzealous, inconsiderate, lazy, horrible at keeping in touch. I drink too much, I’m terrible at being sympathetic. I argue too much, I’m judgmental. But something I have always prided myself in is that I am loyal. Through all my faults, I manage to be dependable. It’s hard for me to turn someone away when they’re in need. I’m honest, often brutally so. I’m straightforward, upfront. I do everything in my power to avoid situations that might put a friendship into potential jeopardy. And when I am inevitably thrust into a bad situation, I weigh what I want against what a friend wants and make sure that both of our best interests are in mind.

So it’s natural that I hope, or even expect depending on how close we are, the same from people. Often, just because a friend is a good or incredibly close friend, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are loyal. I can honestly look at my friends and say that out of all of them, there is only one whom I consider truly loyal. We aren’t the closest of friends, our personalities even clash to the point that we bump heads a lot, but she is truly loyal. I know without a doubt in my mind that she would never hit on a guy that I’m even remotely interested in, if I were stranded at 4 AM in the middle of nowhere, she would come get me, she would never lie to me about any of her intentions nor try to cover something up for the sake of “diplomacy.” Whenever she opens her mouth, the concept of her deceiving me is safely tucked into the most remote corner of my mind.

And that’s all I really ask.

Even though my cynicism forces me to hope for the best and constantly expect the worst, I still get blindsided when the worst happens.

-L

No, I don't want to fuck your friend.

I find it absolutely infuriating that whenever I ask about someone's relationship status, it is immediately taken to mean that I want to have sexual relations with said person.

A few weekends ago, I was hanging out at a friend's place having a conversation with one of his friends (who is a fellow writer). Writer Guy and I were engaged in some sort of marijuana-infused debate about books and writers and whatever manner of nonsense that, in retrospect, made absolutely no sense. I knew that Writer Guy had been in a very long-term relationship with Dancer Chick, who I had met once or twice, and found very pleasant. However, at some point Writer Guy alluded to not having sex in a long time or something that was indicative of him being single. So, when he stepped out of the room for a second, I asked my friend, "Is Writer Guy still with Dancer Chick?" To this, he rolled his eyes and said, "Yes, he's still with her, so no, you can't fuck him."

Now hold the fucking phone. How the hell does that mean that I want to do him? I was simply asking because a) I was curious because I knew that they had one of those everyone-wishes-they-were-us relationships and it would be weird if they had, in fact, broken up, and b) I didn't want to accidentally bring up her name if they had broken up and go through the whole awkward, "Uh, we're not dating anymore" moment.

So, calm down.

-L

Spare Tire

I don’t feel so much like a third wheel as I do a spare tire—possibly even a training wheel. I don’t consider myself entirely unnecessary like a third wheel, dangling off to the side, potential dead weight. I’m more like a backup plan. I offer reassurance in case one of the tires goes flat so you’re not left thumping down the road making those sad little fart sounds that make people turn to stare.

I guess I can’t really get angry about it. Frustrated, maybe. But I’ve never been there—I’ve never been in love. All googly-eyed, tongue hanging out of the side of my mouth, cheeks pinky and glowy—people who are in love always seem to glow or something. So I can’t really understand all the work that being “in love” involves. The time, the brainpower, the dedication. I just see the results.

My friends all seem to be that type. The type who falls in love and pulls a disappearing act. To me, at least. But I can’t get mad. Maybe if it happens to me, I’ll do the same. Nights at a pub throwing back beers and laughing really loudly will be replaced by watching DVDs and snuggling on the couch or whatever it is that couples do. Maybe the most reliable of friends morph into shadows of their former selves once they’re getting laid on the regular.

But once that goes flat, there I am—trusty spare tire. Haul me out of the trunk and you’ll make it to California as long as you don’t drive too fast. Or, at the very least, you’ll need some company when you just want to drive around.

-L

Mondayisms

Apologies for the lack of posting as of late, but I have been stressed at work, stressed at home, stressed with friends and generally funkdified as of late. I’m feeling a lot better, however, now that I have fallen off the wagon (yes, I am drinking again. I thought sobriety might help with my depression, but as it turns out, it just makes me depressed and sober) and I have convinced myself that David Wright has an STD, and that is why he has not yet proposed marriage to me (not because he is busy sticking his thing into every model and aspiring actress on the West Coast). Anyway…

1) My playoff picks this weekend ended up being the Bears over the Saints and the Colts over the Pats. I should really start gambling.

2) Superbowl picks – Colts over Bears (with apologies to all Bears fans). Peyton Manning’s due for a ring.

3) The fam got one of those family plan cell phone thingers, which means that my father will a) be one of those old Asian men who thinks that cell phones only work if you scream into them at the top of your lungs and b) lose his cell phone for the first time within a month. On the bright side, I got one of those LG Chocolate phones.

4) I still have not smoked a cigarette. You’d think that it gets easier after a while, but the sad thing about addiction is that once you’re addicted to something, you’re addicted for the rest of your life.

5) I need a stylist or something. I’m not very girly, and my girly and fashionable coworkers make me feel very unstylish and unrefined and…mannish. Anyone want to help me? I'd be difficult to work with though because I still refuse to spend more than $50 on jeans (and $50 is even pushing it).

6) I still don’t own an iPod. I told my friend I would get one as soon as they invent the best one ever, and stop improving it. So pretty much, I’ll never own an iPod.

7) I still have not picked a laptop. The battle between Mac and Dell continues to rage. Dell seems to be winning. Recently, a new contender came into the mix. HP hasn’t been much of an adversary, but I read about this on Cnet and it piqued my interest. Anyone know anything about it?

8) It’s cold. I hate the cold.

9) The guy over at youyesyou has started a new format where he posts a new cartoon every day. He seems like the kind of dude I’d want to have a beer with.

-L

Martin Luther Kingdayisms

Publishing companies do not follow the standard business holiday schedule, so here I am...at work.

1) I went 3 for 4 with my NFL playoff picks this weekend because I did not see the Patriots beating the Chargers. As for next week, I'm really struggling. I'm rooting for the Bears for some reason, but the Saints have the whole heartwrenching Hurricane Katrina story behind them, so I'm torn. The Patriots seem like they'll win because Tom Brady is just ridick, but Peyton Manning still doesn't have a Superbowl ring, so I feel bad for him, so, again, I'm torn. By the way, I know absolutely nothing about football, can you tell?

2) Why won't baseball season start?

3) In a few days, I will be one of the few Mets fans who will: a) sit in the home/visitor dugouts at Shea, b) walk on the field, c) flip the fuck out. I guess that last one isn't so rare amongst Mets fans.

4) I've been sifting through job applications for a new intern at work, and I have a few tips for people who are applying for jobs:

1. If an ad asks for a cover letter, resume and writing sample, these are not just suggestions. Do include a cover letter, resume and writing sample.
2. Do not send a resume that is five pages long.
3. Do not send a resume that is five lines long.
4. Do proofread or else I will not contact you at my "earliest experience."
5. Do not use words like, "gotta" and "dunno."
6. Do not email me from hotsexymama@gmail.com.
7. If you are absolutely addicted to the thesaurus feature on Microsoft Word, make sure the word you're plugging in is grammatically correct. The phrase "dramatic and trickery ending" is not correct.
8. In line with number 7, try not to make it too obvious. If your cover letter is written at a remedial level, and the word "grandiose" suddenly sneaks in, it's pretty obvious you had no idea that word existed until just now.
9. Do not ask stupid questions in an attempt to find out what the company is. It's anonymous for a reason. I will not email you back unless you send me a cover letter, resume and writing sample.
10. Do not send me a writing sample about your balls.

5) I haven't shopped in ages, so when I saw that I had accumulated a decent-sized chunk of change in my bank account, I went absolutely insane and bought a bunch of useless crap. Eh, I'm not spending it on alcohol, so why the hell not?

6) I still haven't bought a laptop.

7) It has been 14 days since my last cigarette and alcoholic beverage and I still haven't killed anyone. I did eat a pot brownie last weekend but it didn't kick in until I got home, so I watched TV, giggled and passed the fuck out. Good times.

-L

Hey, we have something in common. I annoy me too!

I called a girl at a large publishing company to request a high resolution image of a book they're releasing so that I could include it with the blurb I had written for our culture section. The publicist for the book actually sent me one already, but accidentally sent me a thumbnail, and despite several emails that I sent requesting a high-res version, I hadn't received a reply. So, I called her up, explained my situation and told her that I need the image today. I guess she didn't realize that she had accidentally included me in the email she sent to Publicist about it:

From: girl@publishingcompany.com
To: me@magazine.com
CC: publicist@publishingcompany.com
Subject: URGENT - hi-res image of BOOK

_______ magazine said they've been trying to get in touch with you to get a larger image of the cover of BOOK. I told them I'd send it to them -- but I just searched, and there's no image on the site!!! Do you have a high-res version on your computer? The address to send it to is me@magazine.com -- she said it's "urgent" and needs to be sent "TODAY." (She was annoying. Really annoying.)

It didn't take long for her to realize her mistake because within minutes, I received this:

From: girl@publishingcompany.com
To: me@magazine.com
CC: publicist@publishingcompany.com
Subject: I am so sorry.

Oh my God, I am so sorry. It's been a crazy day here and I am overwhelmed. I am so sorry. I will find out why the image can't be found and send it to you as soon as humanly possible. I am so sorry.

and:

From: girl@publishingcompany.com
To: me@magazine.com
Subject: Update

I am having trouble reaching Publicist -- she is in meetings this afternoon. But as soon as she gets back, I will make sure she sends you a high-res image of the jacket right away.

There is no excuse for me to have written such a whiny, immature e-mail to Publicist, and I am profoundly embarrassed. Again, I apologize.

I haven't responded. Oddly enough, I feel bad for her. I was even tempted to write back and apologize for coming off as pushy (though I don't think I was rude at all). But B says, "silence is golden" and I should leave her to stew in her own embarassment for the rest of the day.

-L

Confused

So...confused...

I had my heart set on the MacBook, then everyone said I could get more fuck for my buck with a PC. That Dell XPS M1728495038272whatever was looking pretty sweet until I built the package I wanted and the price? $1875. Not cool. Now everyone's saying, "Dell support sucks," but I don't understand why that matters because I'm looking for a computer, not a bra. Now I'm back on the Mac track, but it seems a little big/heavy and spec-light for my tastes.

AGH, I just want a good laptop that's small. Helllp me. Haaaaalp me!

-L

It Looks Like...

...another series of short, random posts day!

I love rooting for the underdog, so naturally I'm thrilled that the Jets made it to the playoffs. It's a good thing too because if they had sucked this season, Eric Mangini's nickname wouldn't have been Mangenius, but Mangina.

-L

Starved

I'm starving, but I got into an argument with a smoked turkey and goat cheese sandwich yesterday. I was doing a pretty good job of standing my ground, but I ultimately lost and ended up donating my dinner and most of my lunch to the Porcelain God. Now I'm too afraid to challenge so much as a pea.

-L

Why the Best Friend never ceases to amuse me

I emailed the Best Friend yesterday:

Hey, you remember G? He's C's friend, I went to elementary school and jhs with him. You met him that one time a while ago when we went to C's for a party. Well...he asked me out on a date.

Her response:

Cool. Does he like potatoes?

The thing that really shocked me was that I thought absolutely nothing of this, and responded:

I don’t know, but I'll ask him if you’d like.

So, either I've become so used to her odd nuances that I'm simply unfazed by her unorthodox reactions and have adopted a method of humoring them or, I've become as bat-shit crazy as she is.

-L

Help

I'm looking to buy a new laptop, and I need some advice. I was all set to make the plunge from PC to MacBook now that I use a Mac at work, but I've gotten some advice against it. What should I get?

Requirements:
-very small - no bigger than 13-14 inches, no heavier than 5-6 pounds
-at least 80 GB of storage
-at least 1 Ghz of memory
-price - $1000-$1500

HELP!

-L

Fix

I'm not one for New Year's Resolutions, but I'm planning to try some things out. First off, Julia and I have made a bet about smoking. In addition to my pride, my lack of funds leaves me with no choice but to win, so I am now smoke free.

I'm still trying out this positivity nonsense but, to be honest, it isn't going too well. Like I said, happiness is a consequence, and it appears the consequences of my actions and situations as of late have been more depression. C said I should start taking antidepressants. But that was before his started giving him night terrors. Eh, we'll see.

Perhaps the biggest experiment I'm attempting is no alcohol for the month of January. This might not seem like a big deal to most, but when the majority of your social life revolves around guzzling ten beers and acting like an asshole, it's a pretty big change.

Hopefully these small changes will fix some of the things I find wrong with myself/my current situation.

Here's to a good 2007.

-L