Yesterday I stayed up until 4:30AM finishing another article. I sent it to my editor with a cute little note about how my last article was sent a few hours later than I had promised, so I was sending this one was a few hours early. I still spent the rest of the night obsessing. Did I miss any typos? Did I Google all the names? Is he going to think I picked stupid things to write about? Did I repeat certain words too many times? I didn't fall asleep until after listening to my father's alarm go off, him brushing his teeth and shaving and leaving for work. When I woke up, there was an email from my editor saying that I had forgotten to attach the file. All attempts at cuteness never go unpunished. Then I didn't even re-read it before I sent it off again. I only obsess when it's inconvenient for me.
Lately, I get really uncomfortable when divulge something remotely personal (even if it isn't all that personal) and I don't get the response I'm expecting. I think that freelancing has put me in a position of constant judgment and I spend the whole day beating myself up that when everyday life "judges" me, it stings a little more. This happens mostly when I try to be creative. I don't have much issue with writing these op-ed type pieces up here or regurgitating information for articles, but it's very rare that I let someone see any of the scenes I jot in my notepads or the stories I start and never finish on my laptop. Sometimes I'll give someone a peek though and then I immediately wish I could take it back.
I think I have some form of obsessive-compulsive disorder.