Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Subway Sleep


There's nothing like a good sleep on the subway. I hate commuting because I feel like it's a total waste of time, except when I'm sleeping.

The 7 train was running all local today due to a "sick passenger". I think that term is too vague. Every time I hear it, I imagine a passenger getting up and yelling, "Damnit, I just caught a cold. Stop this damn train." Running all local only adds 5-7 minutes to my commute, but that's enough added time for me to actually fight and claw my way into an available seat. I succeeded in getting a seat and promptly closed my eyes.

I'm one of those people on the train who fall asleep and gape. It happens slowly at first, my mouth creeps open a little, but after I'm fully immersed in slumber, my mouth opens wide like a snake trying to swallow a hippo. By the way, don't watch that video if you have a weak stomach. I kept waking up and shutting my mouth quickly out of embarrassment only to fall asleep again to ensue in my never-ending yawn.

I also kept leaning into the person next to me, and jumping awake. The sight of a gaping, leaning, sleeping Asian guy who kept jumping awake was too much for the straphanger in front of me to handle, so she began cracking up. I looked up at her for a second, then slowly felt myself fall back asleep.

Best commute ever. Kill me.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Be nice to me, I'm a millionaire


Looks like I’m a millionaire. Whoopee…

I got the following e-mail today:

+44 70111 49284
(Customer Services)

We are pleased to inform you of the final announcement today, 22nd of
February,2007 regarding winners of the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY ONLINE PROMO PROGRAMME, held on the 10th of February,2007. It is yet to be unclaimed and you are getting the FINAL NOTIFICATION as regards this.You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of (£750,000.00) Seven hundred and Fifty Thousand Pounds.
Congratulations, you have just won yourself £750,000.00 in the satellite software email lottery conducted by UK NATIONAL LOTTERY PROMOTION in which your e-mail address was randomly selected by software powered by the Internet.Your email address was amongst those chosen on this quarter and you are to contact our AFFILIATED COURIER COMPANY for your free delivery of your certificate and cheque of £750,000.00. When contacting them you are to include this order Number 37096218 as your secret number of your parcel to the courier company.In the light of the above you are to fill this claims form and send it to the courier company for propper documentation of your address to enable them delivery your winnings with out delay of your cheque.

Thank you for being part of our online promotional lottery program.

Yours Truly,
Sir. Richard K. Lloyd.
Co-coordinator(Online Promo Pro gramme).

Upon receiving this e-mail, I immediately ran up to the CEO of my company, pulled down my pants, rubbed my ass all over the documents strewn about his desk, took a steaming shit, and smeared the words “I QUIT” with the steaming shit, all over his white board.

Well, I planned on it, but I decided to do a little research first. Apparently there are several variants of this e-mail such as:

FOR SILVER STAKE WINNER- Ref. No.- RNL/051/652659967/UK


Royal National Lottery has just concluded its final draws of it's periodical promotional program. An exclusive list of email addresses of thousands of individual and corporate bodies were picked by automated random computer search from the internet. No tickets were sold.

Your email address emerged as one of seven winners in the silver stakes category as email addresses were soughted, from a total number of 25,000 addresses drawn from all over the globe.

After an automated computer ballot of our International Promotions Program, only SEVEN winners emerged in this category and therefore each are to receive payouts of ?1,500,000,00 from the total of ?10,500,000.00 (TEN MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND EUROS).

However,every email address selected was accompanied by a reference and ticket number, after the cyber lotto selection, the below ticket and reference numbers emereged as one of the lucky winners in the above category.CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Reference number for your prize is:Ref. No.- RNL/051/652659967/UK Ticket No.- RNL87867UK

For the your prize claim processing, we have employed the service of an lnternational Trust firm. They are to handle the transfer of your cash prize of ?1,500,000.00 in line with our procedures and upon your directions.

Your prize has been insured to its full value with your email address and will be transferred to you under their professional service. To immediately initiate the processing of your prize claim, please contact our financial handlers Bond Finance & Securities,below are the contact information of their FINANCIAL DIRECTOR;

Mr. Leonard Walter
Financial Director
Bond Finance & Securities.
Fax: +448701355854

I guess I’ll have to save my graceful exit out of this company for another day…

Thursday, February 01, 2007

The Blahg

When I first started this site, I was excited to write in it. I had an orgy of cleverisms fornicating in my head, and egged on by delusions of grandeur, I thought that people would want to read them. No one did, but I wrote in it anyway, and I felt very smug about some of the pearls of wisdom I thought I was spitting. A few people were kind enough to put links up on their (much more popular) sites, and for a while, I felt pretty damn special that there were a hundred or so complete strangers who were actually willing to take time, time that could never be returned, to read something that I had written. That's a pretty cool feeling.

I don't know what happened, but my ethusiasm started to wane. My well-thought-out posts graduated into pointless drivel about mind-numbing crap, people started taking down my link, traffic dropped, I started to feel disappointed in myself. And it just continues to snowball. Unproductivity begets unproductivity. Lagging self-esteem begets eating disorders and teenagers listening to Staind and cutting know the drill. While I haven't begun to vomit on command or subject myself to the music of Staind, my thought processes have. So, I'm going to take a break.

During this time, I will write many, many bad posts, but I will be kind enough not to put them up so those who have stayed true have any more of their time wasted by crap. If something good actually emerges from the confines of this hiatus, I'll post it up with all manner of bells and whistles and smoke and mirrors attached.

'Til then, simmer with the knowledge I just dropped on B's ass over AIM:

B: it's just not fair
L: life isn't fair
L: the haves keep having
L: the have nots keep not having
L: you can get
L: and become a getter
L: but you'll never be a haver
L: unless you always had
L: the difference between a haver and a getter
L: havers just get
L: getters have to work to have

I, on the other hand, am neither a haver nor a getter...I am the walrus.