Exist

Yes, I know that last entry was all over the place. Yes, I know the little I write lately is all over the place, vague, nonsensical. It all reads like some sort of inside joke that no one is a part of except for me. Even the people who know me, those who know enough about my personal life to understand what I'm referencing, would draw conclusions that would all be wrong.

So don't bother.

But this is how it is now. This is how my life makes sense to me. This is how I experience things. How my planet operates. All in relation to these moments that exist the way I see them in my head. Sitting at my desk and jerking my head up at a coworker who taps my desk as they walk by, catching a stranger's eye on the street, standing in the cold smoking a cigarette, sipping wine on another bad date, getting another tattoo, checking my profile on some social networking site, refreshing my email waiting for a message that doesn't come, making coffee, drinking coffee, having that conversation I promise I won't have ever again.

It's a far cry from the things I used to write when I tried so hard to amuse everyone with straightforward observations, witty jokes, words. But I spend so much of my energy on a daily basis trying to amuse and I've decided that this is now a place where I can tell my version of the truth--as arcane as it may be.

So, for those who might be interested in the black and white part of me: I have a new job. I still drink a lot. I started smoking again. I am addicted to body art. I started going to the gym a lot. I stopped going to the gym a lot. I'm still an insomniac. I never have any time even though I don't know what fills all that space. I'm still sad all the time and I'm still not sure why.