Being the uncontrollable drunk is inevitable. It happens. But usually, when you become an uncontrollable drunk, there are a few factors that can be attributed to this: you’re emotional (usually angry or depressed), you’re inexperienced (“Dude, so this is what it’s like to be drunk? Wow... let’s go kick babies"), or you’re a female (L).
Lotus is a posh nightclub in the meatpacking district and I was there celebrating someone’s birthday. L came along and we were taking full advantage of the bottle service at the table. I was having a pretty good time except for a few minor inconveniences suffered via close talkers, ugly chicks, and over crowdedness. A friend texted me to inform me that he was at Wish 26, so I found my sister and we began leaving. Unfortunately, I had no idea that my sister was determined to play the role of uncontrollable annoying lush on this lovely evening.
As we were making our way out of the crowded club, my sister began shoving me into people for no reason whatsoever. I’d turn around in confusion and there was my sister, swaggering and eyes half closed, and she’d shove my face every time I turned around, or snuff it, or poke her finger into my cheek and try to make me look away. Then once I’d start walking again, she’d shove me again into people who would justifiably give me dirty looks. I’d turn around again and yell something like, “Are you trying to get me into a fight?” To which she’d respond by shoving, snuffing or poking my face, once again, to get me to turn away. I wanted to hit her so badly. First of all, putting your hands on another person’s face is a sign of complete and utter lack of respect for that person (unless they’re your significant other). Secondly, she was drunk. Obviously drunk. But she was also making no effort at self restraint at all. If anything, she was trying with excruciating success to be as obnoxious as possible. Thirdly, I invited her to an event with coworkers, and not neighborhood friends. If she had decided on being an idiot in front of close friends who knew her well, it wouldn't have been as bad. But instead, she decided to be embarrassingly drunk around strangers.
I felt another hard shove into my back and ended up falling on a couple of people. I apologized to them, and turned around to look at my sister. As she poked my face away one more time, it dawned on me that she was at that scary point where rationality eludes you. I sobered up very quickly and realized that my night was ruined because regardless of whether she realized it or not, I was now walking/talking/breathing/thinking for two.
Outside, I began trying to contact people inside the club to let them know I was leaving. Meanwhile, L was talking to a bouncer as if he were her best friend. We finally left and began hailing a cab on the corner. Some asshole decided to claim the corner and gave me the “nuh-uh sister” finger snap and informed me that he was there first. I made some sort of sarcastic comment and began walking away to avoid further confrontation. At this point, L the lush began trying to solicit him into sharing a cab with us uptown. She began talking about how we were going uptown too, and kept trying to convince this guy that it was a good idea to share a cab with us. Given, she didn’t realize he was being an asshole to me, she should’ve at least realized that he was talking on the phone, trying to hail a cab, and trying to walk away from her so as to get her to leave him alone, all at the same time. I walked up to her and said, “This asshole thinks he owns this corner so fuck it, let’s just go”. I began walking away but halfway down the block, I turned to see that my sister was still at the corner, soliciting away.
I yelled, I screamed, but nothing. The only thing I could do was grab her by her arm, and make her start walking. She’d slur in incoherent protest as I began replaying the image of the uncontrollably drunk wife of Fredo in Godfather part II. I was very tempted to go home and let her fend for herself, but didn’t because of the regretful reality that I care for her. So therefore, I dealt with her annoyingness. The lush. The drunkard. And no, she wasn’t feeling emotional. No, she’s not an inexperienced drunk. She did this for one reason only: she’s a woman. Yeah, I’m misogynistic, deal with it.
After that, I couldn’t recover. I was on tilt. The night started with a great hand, but I somehow lost all my chips. No matter how much more I drank, I still felt a funky sobriety hanging over me like a dark cloud. I'd keep looking around for my sister, worried that she was doing something retarded. At Wish 26, she knocked over some chick's Jack and Coke, and so I had to buy her another one. God knows what other spurts of idiocy she engaged in when I wasn't looking.
Note to self: Don’t take my sister drinking unless she’s bringing someone who will hold accountability for her.
Note to L: Do NOT touch other people in the face, especially if you have an ounce of respect for them. And a word you absolutely must learn, “moderation”.
Ugh… worst night ever. Thanks L.