Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The Ugliness Gradient - A Theory

I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to write about this as it is something that has plagued my mind for most of the 22 years I've been on earth and I wanted to make sure I got it right before I shared it with the world. But I've had a few drinks and I've settled into a healthy schedule of sleeping at five AM and it's only 12:28, so why not? And yes, I'm well aware that it's a Monday night and drinking on Monday is socially unacceptable, but I'm also drinking a bottle of Bud that's been sitting in the fridge since I got back from London and heating up a Lean Cuisine as we speak, so I'm way beyond any level of "low" that is within the realms of normalcy (and don’t think I’m eating Lean Cuisine because I’m watching my weight, it’s because it’s the only thing I have that takes less than five minutes to make and requires absolutely no effort other than pushing microwave buttons).

So without further ado…The Ugliness Gradient – A Theory

After being in the dating game for quite some time, I can say with confidence that it is next to impossible for someone attractive to be intelligent as well. I can say with full honesty that I can count the number of men* I have met who are both attractive and intelligent on one hand. As I write this now, I can actually only think of one.

I know it’s difficult to speak about a subject as relative as “attractiveness” because a person’s view of attractiveness varies from one individual to another. But let’s say that purely physical attractiveness is generally defined by a few factors: somewhat tall (does not have to be incredibly tall, but a freakishly short man is not viewed as attractive), fit (does not have to be a muscle-inflated body builder, but someone with a beer gut that rivals a pregnant woman’s belly is NOT ATTRACTIVE), no visible physical deformities (strange moles, excessive acne, missing teeth, disproportionately large/small ears, eyes, nose, etc., extra fingers/toes), a full head of hair (although some men can pull off the bald thing), and a generally pleasant face. Everyone has friends that are accepted as attractive or unattractive. The question is, how many of these friends are intelligent as well?

Intelligence is also a tricky subject. No, you do not need an Ivy League degree (or any degree) to be intelligent. I know plenty of people who are incredibly smart who have no formal education. Someone with common sense and street smarts can be intelligent, but if you do not know basic math, reading comprehension, and who William Shakespeare and Michelangelo (not just a hero in a half shell) are, you’re pretty stupid or, even worse, ignorant (I honestly think there is nothing worse than a person with the opportunity and potential to learn who chooses not to). Alternately, a person with a Harvard education who doesn’t know that going to a stranger’s house because he wants to show you his pickaxe collection or that people in Ireland own televisions (I met someone in NYU med who actually was surprised to learn this) is an idiot.

Dave Chapelle had this stand-up bit about a woman’s test in life being material and a man’s test in life being a woman. “Men have nice cars. Not because they like nice cars, but because they know women like nice cars.” Although not entirely true, there is a decent amount of truth to this statement. Men who can get any woman they want seem to stop trying to improve themselves because their worth is somehow validated. The sad truth is that attractive men can get sex whenever they want regardless of how stupid they are, whereas unattractive men with personality find it much more difficult.

After years of dating attractive men who spoke at length about subjects ranging from sports to cars using only monosyllabic words and befriending men whom I had absolutely no sexual attraction to who were intelligent and interesting, I formulated this theory.

-Attractiveness is defined in the aforementioned general sense
-Intelligence is defined as equal parts “book” knowledge and common sense
-The majority of what men do is driven either directly or indirectly by the pursuit of pussy
-Attractiveness is fixed (you cannot make yourself more or less attractive without major surgery)
-Intelligence is changeable (you can make yourself more or less knowledgeable)
-As attractiveness levels rise, ability to get ass rises (and vice versa)
-As intelligence levels rise, ability to get ass rises (and vice versa, but not as drastically so as attractiveness)

-As attractiveness levels increase, ability to get ass increases and necessity for knowledge decreases—intelligence levels move down
-As attractiveness levels decrease, ability to get ass decreases and necessity for knowledge as alternate means of baiting pussy increases—intelligence levels move up (this doesn’t go both ways. I know a lot of men who are both unattractive and stupid.)
-It is almost IMPOSSIBLE to find any men who are both attractive and intelligent, and the ones who exist are either a) cocky assholes because they can get whomever they want or b) gay

I know that this is a generalization and a lot of ugly and/or stupid people are going to come yapping and complaining but I’ve spoken to a lot of women about this and they have all agreed that this holds true. I challenge anyone who reads this to give me enough examples to deflate this theory.

Note: I actually thought of three more men who are attractive and intelligent during the course of writing this, but they are all incredibly dull, so I don’t know if they should count. This touches on the expanded version of the theory where other variables (sense of humor, ability to have fun, kindness, how motivated they are) are taken into account.


*For the sake of argument, I have to say that this theory applies only to men. Alright, not for the sake of argument, but, for the most part, it only does apply to men (although there are a lot of hot, moronic women). After speaking with numerous men, they have confirmed that they know several attractive and intelligent women, but most of their attractive male friends are borderline mentally retarded.


Anonymous Pat said...

Interesting theory. It kind of dovetails with my "reformed nerd" theory, which states that the ideal mate is someone who was once a nerd but realized the error of their ways and cleaned up nicely. While the majority of NU students are unattractive, a majority of the NU students that were attractive fit this mold entirely.

If you think about it, being that "average-looking" is the obvious average, and most people are therefore near it, it's possible to improve to "above average" by doing things like working out, getting a better haircut, dressing better, etc. Even most nerds are average-looking, so if you take a nerd and clean the nerd up, he/she will then be above average in terms of attractiveness but will retain their nerdy intelligence and down-to-earth, non-cocky nerdy sensibilities. Of course some nerds are beyond hope in terms of social interaction, but a lot of that is just that they like to discuss intelligent things, and the majority of people aren't intelligent and therefore find such topics uninteresting.

I hope you find yourself a reformed nerd; you just have to look harder. They tend to blend in to the crowd, so they're tough to pick out, but they do exist.

And poon is perhaps the greatest thing on earth, so yes, we're driven to pursue it. As Dave Attel said, women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

P.S. I'm very impressed that you use the word "pussy". Most girls are very turned off by that word, so cheers to you.

10:16 AM  
Blogger Gamer C. said...

Wow!! You put a lot a though into this L. I agree with 90% percent of what you wrote- Being both Attractive and intelligent can be a rare breed for some people. I myself am a average guy. I'm no Brad Pitt nor have the smarts of Bill Gates but I consider myself decent looking with decent knowledge ( I like to watch/read the news and I don't drink/smoke.)

Sadly though, I know I'm not on any lady's mind but it doesn't bother me though. I'm not looking for a relationship right now (Focusing on college and my future carrer. I want to be a late night host!!) But there is one(sometimes two) girl I really like a lot but my chances with them would be slim.

I know a lot guys who have been "burned" because they didn't meet the standards of the girls they like. Those momments have left them to dislike a lot of women, referring them to gold-diggers or whores but I think thats a bit over the line. Yes, rejection hurts but they shouldn't let that one girl ruin the whole dating experince for them. I'm a firm believer for there is someone for everyone.

I do think that people should be aware of what their looking for in a person. Being cute is one thing but haven't an STD isn't. Its okay to have some standards but be too picky on "I want a guy with biceps and a 6 pac""" or "I want a girl with some large DD's!!" Because those people may treat you like dirt are only care for themseleves.

1:07 AM  
Blogger Dog said...

I find your idea work well with women. The reason why you might find more women who are both intelligent and attractive, is because outside the game of love, attractive women have to be more intelligent, to be able to be equal of the dominant male position.

What doesnt kill you, makes you stranger.

10:06 AM  
Blogger CEO of the World said...

Dog, you bring up a good point. Women do have more pressure, no matter how attractive they are, to keep up in a patriarchal society. Therefore, the instances of attractive and intelligent women are more common. However, this is just another reason for men to step it up.


11:56 PM  

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