Monday, January 12, 2009


An acquaintance of mine has started an affair with a married coworker. It hasn't escalated to what would be considered an affair in the traditional sense because there has been no exchange of bodily fluids, but it seems even deeper. They talk and they connect in a way that I'm sure will hurt his wife more than if she discovered he was screwing hookers. I know this only because she writes about it on her anonymous blog, and I read these stories and I don't judge because I wonder if that is something that is foreseeable in my future.

I was propositioned once by a married man. A coworker from London, who had only been married for a little over a year when he came to New York for a business trip. We met for a drink. A drink became dinner and more drinks. Soon we were buzzed and he was stroking my arm, telling me how sexy I was. "Come back to my hotel with me, L. We'll have some fun."

I shook my head and told him that infidelity disgusts me. But it still didn't hinder him from sending me text messages throughout my train ride home asking me to reconsider.

BSquared and I have progressed to email messages via Gmail instead of instant messenger to exchange our overtly sexual talk. The messages grow more dangerous every day, but today I don't write because I'm thinking too much and feeling unhappy and jaded with all these bad dates, unwanted propositions and dangling carrots.

Maybe if we didn't work together this would all be fine. He would be another Chef. And we'd be able to carry on a "relationship" based on fondness that never grows into something bigger. But, forced to see him every day--lonelier than I can ever remember being in my entire life--I know that I'll create something in my head that isn't there. I'll become jealous. And if, or when, he does enter into a relationship with someone else, I'll know that his excuse that he can't be in a relationship right now isn't true. That it is me. And that's what scares me most.


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