Open Letter to Kris Benson
I was on the subway, on my way to work today, and since baseball season is just around the corner, I flipped immediately to the sports section of my AMNewYork to see what was happening with my beloved Mets. Alright, fine, I'm lying, I read the cover article about Naomi Campell beating another one of her assistants with a cell phone first. But only because this incident was so similar to several others that I thought they were inadvertently handing out old issues.
Anyway, once I had satiated my celebrity gossip sweet tooth, I found an article about you on the last page. Apparently, Anna is filing for divorce from you after seven years of marriage. Seriously? You were married to that demon for seven years? I mean, yeah, she's pretty hot, but it doesn't take much to realize that she's completely crazy.
While I was saddened to hear this, I'd like you to take comfort in the fact that I am still available, and even though you are no longer with the Mets, I still find you very attractive and am willing to have sex with you to help you get over her. Alright, fine, I'm lying again. I wasn't at all saddened to hear this.
If our night of unbridled passion should somehow escalate into a full-blown relationship, I agree to abide by the following terms:
1) I will not write detailed accounts of our sex life on my website.
2) I will not pose nude for Playboy.
3) I will not use your fame and my connection to you to somehow boost my social status.
4) I will not sleep with the entire Mets organization if you cheat on me.
5) I will do everything in my power to convince the Mets to take you back.
6) Since you're probably accustomed to Anna's big fake balloons, I am willing to get breast augmentation as long as you pay for it.
Now, I know you were quoted making some harsh statements about New York, but I'm willing to forgive you because I know you wanted to stay with the Mets and they traded you to the Orioles (ouch). You also did some pretty good things for the team last season, as well as providing me auxiliary eye candy whenever my view of David Wright was obstructed.
So, if you ever Google yourself, and come across this letter somewhere in the depths of the internet abyss, please contact me at email@example.com, and I will respond at my earliest convenience (which is pretty much right away because I don't have much of a life).
P.S. David, if you're reading this, you're still my number one. xoxoxo