No, I don't want to fuck your friend.

I find it absolutely infuriating that whenever I ask about someone's relationship status, it is immediately taken to mean that I want to have sexual relations with said person.

A few weekends ago, I was hanging out at a friend's place having a conversation with one of his friends (who is a fellow writer). Writer Guy and I were engaged in some sort of marijuana-infused debate about books and writers and whatever manner of nonsense that, in retrospect, made absolutely no sense. I knew that Writer Guy had been in a very long-term relationship with Dancer Chick, who I had met once or twice, and found very pleasant. However, at some point Writer Guy alluded to not having sex in a long time or something that was indicative of him being single. So, when he stepped out of the room for a second, I asked my friend, "Is Writer Guy still with Dancer Chick?" To this, he rolled his eyes and said, "Yes, he's still with her, so no, you can't fuck him."

Now hold the fucking phone. How the hell does that mean that I want to do him? I was simply asking because a) I was curious because I knew that they had one of those everyone-wishes-they-were-us relationships and it would be weird if they had, in fact, broken up, and b) I didn't want to accidentally bring up her name if they had broken up and go through the whole awkward, "Uh, we're not dating anymore" moment.

So, calm down.

-L