Friday, February 22, 2008


I have an article deadline tomorrow and I had hoped to be done with it by 4AM, but I look at how much I have left to write and it's becoming clear that 6AM is probably a less ambitious goal. If I hadn't spent an hour surfing the web and dicking around, I would probably be in better shape but still, as I dig into each segment, I keep finding more to research, less words left to use. I'm determined to finish before I sleep though. I've found lately that if I don't, I end up lying awake until the sun comes up obsessing. Am I choosing the right products to feature? Is the research I gathered accurate? What am I going to write about that item? Will I get the images from PR in time?

Yesterday I stayed up until 4:30AM finishing another article. I sent it to my editor with a cute little note about how my last article was sent a few hours later than I had promised, so I was sending this one was a few hours early. I still spent the rest of the night obsessing. Did I miss any typos? Did I Google all the names? Is he going to think I picked stupid things to write about? Did I repeat certain words too many times? I didn't fall asleep until after listening to my father's alarm go off, him brushing his teeth and shaving and leaving for work. When I woke up, there was an email from my editor saying that I had forgotten to attach the file. All attempts at cuteness never go unpunished. Then I didn't even re-read it before I sent it off again. I only obsess when it's inconvenient for me.

Lately, I get really uncomfortable when divulge something remotely personal (even if it isn't all that personal) and I don't get the response I'm expecting. I think that freelancing has put me in a position of constant judgment and I spend the whole day beating myself up that when everyday life "judges" me, it stings a little more. This happens mostly when I try to be creative. I don't have much issue with writing these op-ed type pieces up here or regurgitating information for articles, but it's very rare that I let someone see any of the scenes I jot in my notepads or the stories I start and never finish on my laptop. Sometimes I'll give someone a peek though and then I immediately wish I could take it back.

I think I have some form of obsessive-compulsive disorder.



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12:53 PM  

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