The New Age of Stupidity

In college, I fancied myself something of an actor. I ultimately opted to minor in Theatre because English is a more useful major, I was too lazy to double major and I wanted to graduate early, but if you had asked me then, acting was what I wanted to do. I ended up changing my mind because writing meant blowing proverbial dick as opposed to literal dick, and I wasn’t ready just yet to prostitute myself in the hopes of snagging some cheesy role in a B-level horror movie. Plus actors have to be too Goddamned happy, and that I am not.

One class that stood out for me during my foray into the world of drama was a Voice Work for Actors class, something every “serious” actor considered a requirement. The class entailed a lot of breathing heavily through our mouths, rolling around on the floor, mumbling gibberish, discussing our feelings, stretching—it was essentially a giant orgy sans orgasm plus feelings and grades and a lot of people crying. In other words, my version of hell.

“How’s that weird acting class going?”

“I dropped it.”

“Why?”

“It was too new-agey mumbo jumbo bullshit for me.”

“But the drop deadline passed, how did you get out of it?”

“I went to the registrar’s office and cried.”

“Always works.”

“Yep.”

Our society has gone through a spiritual revolution of sorts in recent years and I don’t fucking like it. When I first learned what a vegan was back in junior high, the first word that came to mind was, “freak.” With all the weird shit people are putting into and pulling out of their bodies nowadays, vegans are considered normal. Any society that labels the likes of Moby and Michael Stipe “normal” is not a healthy one. The apocalypse is near.

That acting class, whose final exam included buying new Nikes and drinking Kool-Aid while talking about our feelings, merely scratched the surface of the bizarre lengths people will take to get in touch with their “inner voice” or “inner child” or “cleanse their body” or “become flexible enough to fellate themselves.” Lately, people are doing disgusting things to their lifestyles and their bodies to achieve some impossible level of spiritual nirvana.

One such thing that I have been seeing a lot about lately is the Master Cleanse. Celebrities swear by this to lose weight post-Oscarworthy performance weight gain. I heard about it for the first time through a co-worker. She told me that she knew a recipe for a drink that would help you detox. She had used it several times in the past to great results. Coming off a week-long drinking binge, I asked her to email it to me.

½ fresh squeezed lemon juice
2 tablespoons maple syrup
Dash of cayenne pepper
1 cup water

Easy enough. Until I continued reading. This mixture is all you can eat/drink for ten(!!!) days. Oh, but you’re allowed to drink as much of it as you want. Whew, thank God for that! Stanley Burroughs, professional Unqualified Hack M.D., invented this system to help you lose weight and cleanse your system. Some might think it bears a startling resemblance to something called Anorexia, but I assure you, that sprinkle of cayenne really adds some nutritional oomph to that glass of lemon water. Every morning, you chug a quart of salt water (I was under the impression that drinking salt water kills you, but a graduate of the Institute of Doctor Things probably knows better). Within an hour, you will have several bowel movements (also known as the Hershey Squirts). Don’t worry though, the painful cramps, aches, irritability and fatigue are merely the body’s reaction to the toxins, mucus, waste and disease mobilizing in your system. “Waste” and “disease” are pretty broad terms. You’ll just have to assume that you have “disease” somewhere in your “inside” and when you’re vomiting and squirting burning liquid outta your ass, it’s your “inside stuff” getting rid off the “goo.” After ten days of this, you will feel refreshed, revitalized, mentally clear and healthy. Or you’ll be dead, in which case, Dr. Burroughs does not assume responsibility for any death or injury incurred to persons stupid enough to follow his cleanse.

-L