All Crappy on the Western Front

Note the reviews of this film, as opposed to this one.

Can’t forget Madonna’s claim to the Bad Actress Hall of Fame and the movie it was based on.

They’re even crapping up the already crappy ones.

And most recently this, versus this.

Starting to notice a pattern here?

Apparently, Hollywood is not. Despite these and many other well-documented failures at remaking foreign films, they continue to do them. Why don’t they just slap subtitles on them and release them in the US like every other country does? Is there a Spanish-language version of The Ring floating around starring Penelope Cruz? “La nina! En el televisor! Dios mio!” I don’t think so.

And what the fuck was up with their remake of The Grudge? They didn’t even change the setting or any of the characters. Oh, right, they made the main characters white.

The final straw came for me when I read this. For those of you who have never seen Battle Royale, I recommend not waiting until it’s butchered to death, recast starring that girl from that show on that network that used to be called the WB and its decaying skeleton is showing at a theatre near you.

As much as I understand that Hollywood doesn’t like to give Americans any credit (after all, a whole crapload of them think Jeff Foxworthy is funny), this has to stop. True, a lot of people are too lazy to read. And, frankly, a lot of them can’t read too good. But why don’t they try cutting the public some slack? They did it with Hero and Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Last I heard, those movies were nominated for Oscars. What, really, do they accomplish by remaking already well-done films into incredibly bad ones? Well, other than stealing money from a bunch of idiots before everyone starts to catch on that the movie fucking sucks.

So, when this asshole, who brought us such gems as the American version of The Grudge, the American version of The Lake House, the American version of Dark Water and the American version of The Ring, destroys Battle Royale because he doesn’t understand the concept of being creative (read: coming up with your own shit), do everyone a favor and don’t watch it. But if you absolutely must, download it off the internet.

And if he ever remakes Oldboy, I call dibs on shooting him in the face.

-L