God; Underwear; Monday

-B

So I went to church yesterday for the first time in maybe half a decade. It really moved me, so I’ve decided to become a priest.

Nah I’m just kidding, but it did douse the tiny pang of guilt I had hanging over my head because of the fact that I hadn't been to church in so long. However, I probably will go to hell now because of the fact that I just joked about becoming a priest.

Going to church was strange. It was a church I had never been to in my entire life, right near Penn Station in the heart of Manhattan, yet it felt so familiar. The pews, the Passion of Christ on the walls, the crucifix, the candles, the Gregorian chants, the gay guy at the altar yelling about how I’m a sinner; all in all, not much has changed. Nostalgia hit, and I had a severe flashback of those 5 years I spent in Catholic elementary school where I was training to be a future guilt-pusher. I must admit it did help a little because I really am great at making people feel guilty. Afterwards, I went shopping.

What’s with girls and Victoria’s Secret? The store is always packed. Girls are always going with their friends while commenting on how a piece of underwear is "so cute" or "so hot" or whatever the hell adjectives you crazy chicks decide to use for something that's going to ultimately be covering your genitalia. I just can't see where the excitement comes from. I mean, I can't imagine guys getting that excited about underwear. What would you think if you heard some dude say, "Hey Bill, those boxer briefs look really cute on you. The padding really accentuates your penis. How’s the support on those bad boys? Hmm, try the pink ones now."

I was walking up the stairs this morning out of the subway, and I was walking behind this chick's ass. Then she farted in my face. There is no better way to start the day than to get farted in your face. It’s going to be a good week...