Being Drunk and Stupid is Fun

-B

I got drunk. Surprise surprise, what the fuck else is new? This time it was a Thursday, and the weather was beautiful so a happy hour session with the office alcoholics was mandatory. It's strange but in every job I go to, I always look for the office alcoholic. I'm always able to spot that guy in the office who fills his thermos with whiskey, and totally looks like he should be in an after school special. In my current office, his name is J, and his drink is vodka soda. He's a high maintenance fucker, my sister was even convinced he was gay, but after hearing a multitude of confirmations from females who vouched for his heterosexuality, I decided he was okay to hang out with. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. Except that it makes me nauseous. And uneasy. And well, I just think it's fucking gross. But yeah, there's nothing wrong with it.

This Thursday was a little different than others because we went to the bar straight after work, therefore I didn't get a chance to pregame. When you go out after pregaming, your motives are different. You're already kind of buzzed so you go out to chill with a beer. However, when you go straight to a bar, you know that you're paying top dollar for your beer as soon as happy hour runs out, so you end up trying to get as painfully twisted as possible before 8 o' clock hits. Your goals become skewed. Unfortunately for J and I, we totally succeeded in getting trashed.

J was kind of digging this chick that I've known for quite a while (and who I see rather frequently) and she was talking to us and giving J some very positive signs. Somewhere in between her flirtacious taps and his drunken stupor, he became convinced that he was going home with her. That was until her "significant other" arrived. All was still not hopeless for J because according to his target, she wasn't serious about her "significant other" and in fact, she didn't like him much at all. However, once he came, almost all her focus was directed into him.

At one point near the end of the night, I was talking to J and he expressed his disappointment in his sudden shift in odds, when she suddenly approached us. By this time, they were doing some sort of raffle so the music was off, but I was so fucked up, I was practically hearing music in my head. J talked to her for a bit, and then she kind of pivoted to the side and began talking to her significant other once again. I thought that they were at a safe enough distance for me to have a candid conversation with J:

me: (yelling into J's ear) DUDE, AS LONG AS HE'S (pointing over at her significant other) HERE, YOU AIN'T GONNA TAP THAT.

her: (tapping on my shoulder) umm... B, I just heard everything you said...

Mortified. Absolutely mortified. My mind began racing in a hundred different directions. I've always considered myself a semi intelligent person so I was sure that I could figure a way out of this. But then again, I was trashed beyond recognition so of course my judgement (and volume control) were severely hindered. So the following is exactly what I said, word for word, but allow me to backtrack so as to give better insight into the extent of my drunkeness:

me: dude, as long as he's here, you ain't gonna tap that.

her: umm... B, I just heard everything you said...

me: ummm.... uhhh.... are you sure?

her: yeah...

me: ummm.... uhhh....

At this point I realized there was no escaping this situation. It's kind of like when your dad's chasing you with that stick because you "accidentally" shoplifted. You know you're screwed, and you'd give anything to just get out of the situation.

me: ummm... I'm really fucked up. I'm sorry.

her: it's cool B, don't worry.

me: no but, I'm really fucked up. Can I get you a drink or something? I'm sorry...

her: nah, don't worry, it's cool.

me: yeah, i'm really fucked up...

her: you know I'm not a ho or nothing right?

me: no, no, of course I know... I'm really fucked up, I'm sorry...

And I spent the next few hours wishing I was someone else. I should not be allowed to drink. What the fuck is wrong with me? Fortunately for me, I'll probably see her again soon since she's within my circle of friends. Maybe it's time to hide underneath that rock...