Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Krista, Krista, Krista

Last night, i was furiously pounding away at my keyboard due to a long lecture I got from B about why I should work on the screenplay I've been meaning to write for the past three years, when I stumbled upon something both intriguing and disturing on Cinemax.

Let me start from the beginning.

Since I just got back from London, B doesn't live at home anymore, and the Eldest Brother is in Australia getting his Master's, the fam cancelled our digital cable. Upon browsing through the few channels we have left, I stumbled upon what appeared to be a premium channel. After doing a little research online (checking TVGuide.com to see what movie was playing at what time on what channel and matching that up with what was on on the mystery premium channel at the time. It was Taking Lives, by the way. Probably one of the worst movies ever made if not for one wild Angelina Jolie sex scene towards the end), I figured out it was Cinemax (I would have much prefered HBO, but stealers can't be choosers). I'm not much for sitcoms and most of the other general tripe that is spewed by network television (except for "CSI" and "The Family Guy"), so I've kept Cinemax on in the background at all times in case a good movie comes on. Wishful thinking...Cinemax sucks.

So last night, I'm pounding out a few pages of the screenplay when I decide to flip on the TV and see what mindless crap Cinemax is regurgitating to the insomniac masses. What comes on is immediately discernable as cheesy, late-night, soft porn. It wasn't even a sex scene, but the sub-sub-par acting, the nonsensical dialogue, and the poor film quality gave it away straightaway. Only this one was a little different from the usual budget soft porn, there was one girl who looked incredibly familiar and who was incredibly hot. One close-up of her face and it became glaringly obvious that it was Krista Allen of Playboy, "Baywatch," and most recently "HBO's Unscripted" fame, and also one of the women on my list of "Would Become a Lesbian For. "

I mean, I knew that Krista Allen had done soft porn. I think at one time or another, any star of "Baywatch" has done soft porn, but I was still shocked for some reason. I guess now that she's a B-level actress and not a D-level actress, she's more removed from cheesy porn in my eyes. I guess because I first saw her when she was on "Baywatch," portraying a much more respectable character whose peach fuzz wasn't showing, I couldn't really imagine her doing the funky monkey with a questionable-looking man with long Fabio-esque hair.

Anyway, the movie was called Emmanuelle 2: A World of Desire, and she, of course, plays Emmanuelle, who according to TVGuide.com is a woman from space trying to teach her people about earthly love or someshit like that. What she really does is screw pretty much every guy she sees.

Two things struck me: 1) the acting in the movie was so bad that it wasn't even worth watching Krista Allen getting naked, then dressed, then naked, then dressed...you get the point; 2) Not only did she play this cheesy space sex alien once, but twice (upon looking at her IMDB profile, she actually played her in eight, I repeat, EIGHT(!!!) of these films!).

So what have I learned? Krista Allen is a bad actress. Krista Allen's boobs are fake. Despite all this distraction, I managed to write eight pages of my screenplay.

Oh, and at four AM, I watched some independent Scottish flick starring Ewan McGregor (number three on my top five list) in which he screws every girl he sees. It also has a clear shot of his, rather large, penis. This film was actually pretty good though.

So last night it was score - slutty women: 1, slutty men: 1.



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