Monday, May 15, 2006

Mondayisms II

I was going to write a proper post, but I have a lot of shit to say, I'm lazy and it's Monday, so I don't give a fuck if this asshole has something against numbered posts.

1) Last Friday was an exciting day in the office. A former cocaine addiction and current cult affiliation surfaced regarding a member of the sales staff. Malicious gossip flew amongst the sales department via email, the emails were subsequently discovered by management, and one of them was sacked. Said disgruntled former employee positioned himself outside the office and waited for Cocaine Cult Salesman to go outside for a cigarette and proceeded to beat him to a bloody pulp, have him sent to the hospital, and in turn send himself to central booking. All the members of our sales staff who were involved in the email exchange (read: all the good ones) were suspended. As someone who has worked with salespeople many times in the past, I can say with pure conviction that all good salespeople are disgusting as human beings. I have never met an exception to this rule.

I find myself suddenly enamored with corporate culture. Nothing better than two suits goin' at it...

2) My boss thinks I'm gay.

Flashback to Friday night at Sandy's:

Sandy: N (My Boss) thinks you're gay.

Me: Excuse me?

Sandy: N likes to search for people on Friendster, and she saw your profile and she thinks you're gay.

Me: Are you using the word "gay" in the derogatory sense? Like, "Haha, stop being so gay?"

Sandy: No, she literally thinks you're gay.

Me: What in the fuck?

Gloria: Yeah, A (Head of Marketing) came over to me on Wednesday and said, "I hear your friend's gay."

Me: What in the fuck?

Gloria: Apparently, someone wrote something in your testimonials that implied that you liked to dabble in the "other side."

Me: What in the fuck?

Sandy: A emailed me also and she said, "I hear your friend swings both ways." I was just like, "Good for her."

Gloria: I set her straight. I told her that I know for a fact you're not.

Me: ... (Mouth open, drool oozing from corner of lips)

Gloria: Don't worry. It's because A is bisexual, and I think N told her in a good-spirited sense. You know, like, "Hey! There's another one!"

Me: It doesn't matter. My sexual orientation shouldn't be a topic of discussion amongst my superiors. That's just awkward.

Sandy: I understand, but I seriously don't think you should worry about it. I think N was just trying to look out for A. She seemed to be pretty excited about it.

Me: I'm deleting my Friendster.

I read and re-read my (now defunct) Friendster profile five or so times, and there is nothing, I repeat, nothing that was indicative of my being gay. Not that there's anything wrong with it.

3) The Depeche Mode concert on Saturday night was awesome.

4) I'm off to Vegas tonight for business. I was looking forward to returning with stories of horror regarding Greasy Salesman + Legal Prostitution, but unfortunately he's suspended, so I'll be back on Friday with stories of making N feel uncomfortable by staring obsessively at her breasts instead. Don't expect to see any posts from me in the next four days as I'll be too busy drinking free alcohol, propositioning hookers, losing obscene amounts of money in Texas Hold 'Em and getting married to someone named Pablo.

Oh, and working too.

So, until Friday--B will be helming the ship.

5) Have a good Monday. Unless you're a salesman. In which case, eat a dick.

-L

6 Comments:

Blogger wdegraw said...

While I can't condone former addicted person getting beaten up (without knowing more of the story), I have long been trying to bring back the fistfight as a mainstream way of settling corporate disagreements. I mean, why not?

PS: I always though "L" stood for Lesbian.

10:36 PM  
Blogger Gamer C. said...

Wow!! Your superiors are a little strange.

Have a fun and safe trip. I look forward to your interesting stories.

12:45 AM  
Blogger The Doorman said...

I'd rather be an "asshole" than a whole ass.

3:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the depeche mode concert was awesome too

hee hee.

11:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read and re-read my (now defunct) Friendster profile five or so times, and there is nothing, I repeat, nothing that was indicative of my being gay. Not that there's anything wrong with it.

3) The Depeche Mode concert on Saturday night was awesome.


that's the funniest thing I've read all day

5:08 PM  
Blogger CEO of the World said...

Hey! I'm a girl! I'm allowed to openly like Depeche Mode without compromising my sexual orientation!

-L

5:11 PM  

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