Monday, May 15, 2006

The Close Gay Friend


I’ve made a huge life decision and I’d like to announce it to you all. I have decided to become gay.

Nah I’m just kidding, but now that I’ve got your attention, let me begin my post:

Newton had a bunch of laws and I give the guy much respect because he really knew his shit. However, there was a law he created which somehow fell through the cracks and was not discovered until very recently. This "unknown law" states the following: every wannabe chic female in Manhattan wants a close gay guy friend. The problem is, Newton died before he could elaborate upon this law. So to finish what he started, I’ve decided to step in and ask, why does this "unknown law" exist? Try to follow:

#1. Sex and the city - Not only did this show liberate all closet sluts, it also became the paradigm for what every chic Manhattan female's life should be like. Part of this life entailed the existence of a close gay guy friend with whom Carrie shared all her secrets with (don't you dare ask me how I know the correct spelling of Carrie's name! I don't watch the show! anymore...)

#2. The challenge - This has got to be the stupidest reason in the history of stupidity, but sometimes the fact that gay guys don't like girls appeals to girls. But listen carefully ladies, chasing a gay guy is almost as pointless as foreplay.

#3. The refreshing point of view - I hear this lame bullshit all the time. The gay guy gives an honest guy's point of view. Like, he'll give you insight on what guys are thinking, or some crazy shit like that. FYI: the gay guy doesn't give you a guy’s point of view, he's giving you a gay guy's point of view. You might as well be talking to your girlfriend (who by the way is really pissed off at this point because your deluded ass keeps hanging out with your new gay guy friend).

#4. They have a great fashion sense - oh shut the hell up. They don't have a great fashion sense. They have the same fashion sense as females do. But the thing is, when a girl is hearing it from a guy instead of her female friends, their advice suddenly becomes profound because it's coming from someone with a penis. Refer to reason #3.

So ladies, before you decide to befriend Pedro the exotic dancer in hopes of completing all prerequisites to becoming Manhattan chic, say a couple of things to yourself first: "This man will never have sex with me. If he does, he will never enjoy it. If he does enjoy it, I’ve just been tricked very severely by a straight man." And also ask yourself, "Will this man provide more insight than my female friends already do?" If after taking all these things into consideration you still want a gay guy friend, then go to hell. No literally, go to "Hell", this gay club in the meatpacking district.

In conclusion, I’ve just spent way too much time talking about homosexuality. I need to reverse any possible damage by watching some heterosexual porn and ESPN (read: Sex and the City).


Blogger The Doorman said...

Well said.

10:17 PM  

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