Monday, May 08, 2006

Monday Shit

I know writing “list” posts or “dialogue” posts (ahem, Rob) is the literary equivalent of those cheesy sitcom flashback episodes (something "the Sopranos" teetered dangerously close to this past week), but I still have writer’s block, and this is my blog, so fuck you.

1) Someone suggested I write about dating shows, and whether I would ever go on a dating show. The answer to that is an emphatic “Hells yeah!” Watching "Elimidate" is without a doubt the highest form of comedy known to our generation. How this show did not become a prime-time moneymaker is absolutely beyond any realm of comprehension. The first time I ever saw it, my friend and I actually had to take a deep breath during a much-needed commercial break and ask each other, “Is this seriously happening or are the brownies kicking in?” In case you’ve never heard of it, the basic premise is one person (usually male) goes on a date with four people (usually crazy bitches) and he goes through rounds and eliminates them one by one. Hilarity ensues (MTV briefly ran a watered-down version that didn’t have half the orgy-esque fun called "Dismissed," which followed the same formula, but only had two people competing). One episode that was particularly tasteful was one in which two of the four women clawed at each other throughout the duration of the date, had to be split up and restrained numerous times, then proceeded to make out during the last five minutes when the man whose attention they were vying for suggested they “kiss and make up.” I would definitely go on this show and “represent fo’ da Queens bitchez...........yo.”

2) Many thanks to all who participated in our first ever survey. It appears that more men favor the shortcut hole. I have to come up with a survey for the ladies soon. I was thinking about the swimsuit tug aside (keeping in line with the urination theme), but then I realized most women wear bikinis now, making that question moot. But anyone who wears a one-piece, or can at least imagine themselves in that situation, feel free to offer your insights. Personally, I used to strip down when I wore a one-piece as a child for fear of peeing on my hand.

3) Someone asked about farting during sex. I don’t know how I feel about this..........I guess that’s when all those thighmaster workouts come in handy and you squeeze your ass cheeks together and pray.

4) I wrote back to the perverse message from the MySpace Casanova in hopes of garnering a response interesting enough to write about here. Also because B suggested the possibility that one of his friends went on his profile and sent me a message to fuck with his account. So, I wrote, “I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that one of your friends got into your account and sent me this message.” His response was a grammatical mess of words in which he confirmed that he had, in fact, written me the message himself, and that he would sex me up with his huge cock and treat me like a princess afterwards. Be still, my heart. My response, “Fuck off.” Needless to say, it really wasn’t even interesting enough to post here in its entirety.

5) And now, it’s Monday. And I had a long weekend. And I'm tired.

-L

5 Comments:

Blogger The Doorman said...

Numbered posts pretty much suck ass, too.

9:02 PM  
Blogger Gamer C. said...

I guess I'm one of the few people who likes number list posts.

I don't watch a lot of Elimidate but know there some crazy folks on that show. Post if you do decide to go on that show.

Isn't nice to have an admirer? Maybe the myspace guy likes you but doesn't know to express it in words (Instead he tells you he wants to plow you.)

9:52 PM  
Blogger Stuck Young said...

Elimidate: a-friggin'-men. One of my guilty, guilty pleasures. Like MySpace. Speaking of, in my experience, it seems to have taken over regular email as a breeding ground of fabulous, drunken messages. (Phone calls retain the number one spot, though.) I don't know how inebriated people navigate that site. I can hardly do it sober.

12:58 AM  
Blogger CEO of the World said...

I acknowledged that the list/numbered post was a copout, but as I said, this is my blog, so fuck you.

-L

11:15 AM  
Blogger Seth said...

I almost exclusively use the peehole. No unbuttoning of pants saves scant seconds.

Elimidate is incredible. The ad must be for "crazy ass people". Both hetero- and homo- episodes are great.

Possible post topic: Ever experience racism? Positive or negative? (You might've covered this but I'll use my newbie status as a cover.)

3:02 PM  

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