Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Led Satan

B called me on Sunday afternoon.

“I was looking through the music you uploaded onto my computer to put together a playlist, and you know what I found?”

“What?”

“'Stairway to Heaven.'”

“Yeah, so?”

“Why are you listening to that? You know it’s Satanic, right?”

“Huh?”

“Yeah, if you play it backwards, it has all these Satanic messages.”

“Uh, did you know that it was voted best rock song of all time?”

“But it’s Satanic.”

“So?”

“You’re still gonna listen to them, knowing they’re Satanic?”

“Uh, yeah. I love Led Zeppelin, and I’m not Satanic.”

“I’ll send you the link to the site. Once you listen to it, you won’t want to listen to them anymore.”

Despite telling him I wouldn’t listen to it because I don’t want anything to ruin Led Zeppelin for me, my curiosity got the best of me. And you know happened? I heard a bunch of “snufuglemen…wooswawshooner….snetooomubeeeee.”

I don’t know on which planet that translates into “Satan is cool!,” but definitely not the one I live on.

Oh, I get it. They’re speaking Satanic tongues. Burn your Led Zep albums! Run! Run, you bastards before God unleashes his wrath and Satan drags us down into the fiery pits!

Or, don’t. In which case, no one can save your soul now, you rock 'n' roll-loving fool.

B and I were both raised Catholic, but eventually we grew up, started to question things, and the religion we accepted as absolute truth as children started to segue further into fairy tale, folklore. We still believe in God, but while B sees Him as something to fear, I see mankind as something to fear.

People are stupid. People also happen to “rule” this planet. And look how well that’s going. God's sitting up there shaking His head and saying, "Jesus Christ, look at them! Killing each other in my name and Led Zeppelin's the evil ones."

Every now and then, B comes at me with one of his stories. “Nine Inch Nails! They’re Satanic! Marilyn Manson is the High Priest of the Church of the Devaaaaal!” (Unfortunately B likes Nine Inch Nails, so see yis in hell, yeh bastid)

We’ve argued about it numerous times, but have never reached an acceptable middle ground. My middle ground is that there is no middle ground. One of the beautiful things about democracy is that we’re allowed not to have a middle ground. We can worship whomever and whatever we want. Would you stop listening to an artist if you found out he was a Jew and said that he believed his religion, and only his religion, was right?

Worshipping Satan isn’t exactly on the same plane, but the principle itself is still there. Who fucking cares?

If I listen to the music of a so-called Satan worshipper because I like the music for what it is, does that mean I’m suddenly going to be overcome with the urge to kill rodents and drink the blood of virgins while the moon is in its third quarter? Am I slowly being brainwashed into dressing in long black robes, bowing before the Prince of Darkness, and slaughtering thirty-six newborn puppies because when you play “Stairway to Heaven” backwards, they say “snurfy setan?”

By the way, I kind of prefer the words when they’re sung forwards. But maybe that’s just me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning Satanism. However, I am condemning judgment. It’s bullshit that I should be judged for not judging. It’s bullshit that some bible-thumper with too much spare time decided to point his goat-sodomizing finger at some warped syllables that could kinda, maybe, sorta sound Satanic in an attempt to ruin respected musicians that make music that doesn’t quite suit their taste.

And you know what the lead singer of Led Zeppelin had to say about it?

"'Stairway To Heaven' was written with every best intention, and as far as reversing tapes and putting messages on the end, that's not my idea of making music. It's really sad. The first time I heard it was early in the morning when I was living at home, and I heard it on a news program. I was absolutely drained all day. I walked around, and I couldn't actually believe. I couldn't take people seriously who could come up with sketches like that. There are a lot of people who are making money there, and if that's the way they need to do it, then do it without my lyrics. I cherish them far too much."

-Robert Plant (Courtesy of SongFacts.com)
But even before knowing that, I’d still sooner make nice with a Satanist who has ritualistic orgies and keeps bats as pets than, oh let's say, an extremist who straps on a couple kilos of C4 and gets onto a packed train.

So when I’m 66 years-old and I’ve just heard “Stairway to Heaven” for the 666th time and I am gripped with the uncontrollable longing to murder my firstborn child with a lead-tipped dagger, please tell the judge Led Zeppelin made me do it.

-L

17 Comments:

Anonymous -b said...

shutup! it's satanic damnit... and you're so going to hell.

1:05 AM  
Blogger sc said...

rock on

11:37 AM  
Blogger sc said...

led zeppelin rocks

11:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Having the Swansong tat on my chest, where does it places me in the picture?
I guess I should be considered one of "those" Satanists who has ritualistic orgies and keeps bats as pets......what say you?

2:47 PM  
Blogger CEO of the World said...

Clearly a Satanic image...naked androgynous person, angel wings, falling angel...the DEVIL!
No hope for you, you're going straight to hell my friend. Might as well orgy it up during your time left on Earth.

-L

9:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like that, I'll take hell over heaven any day. If heaven is a place where a whole bunch of people dressed in white seating around reading the bible or some other crap, I 'll take Hell any given day.
Long live Rock. Can I be your second in command? VP to the ceo of the world? sound like a fun job to me.
D.

11:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

PS: what the f**k is up with the Snow today?

D.

11:38 AM  
Blogger CEO of the World said...

I hear that. I don't remember the exact quote or who said it, but to paraphrase, it went something like, "I'd rather go to hell than heaven because all my friends will be there." Haha.

I'm taking applications for "Beer Wench" and "Personal Slave." Any of those sound interesting?

As for the snow, I'm pretty sure this is the first sign of the Apocolypse.

Geez, all this damnation talk is really putting a damper on my day.

-L

11:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No thanks, none of the job descriptions available at your syndicate are interesting to me at all. I'll Pass. Next time we meet, I'll buy you a drink, we can exchange ideas about CEOing the world.
Did not mean to put any damper on your day at all L.
Just fucking around.
PS: did you find you nose ring? Never saw you with it, but I like the diamond stud better. I doubt we are going to experience an Apocalypse in our life time, although the thought of having is quite intriguing....
So with all that bla bla of the dark side and your day being dampered, it is a good day to get drunk.. have fun.

D.

6:40 PM  
Blogger CEO of the World said...

Have we met?

3:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, once.

4:12 PM  
Blogger CEO of the World said...

When? Where? The anticipation is killing me.

4:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, do you want it straight upfront or can I strech it a bit longer?
Please choose the second option, I am begining to like this...
D.

5:21 PM  
Blogger CEO of the World said...

You don't have to tell me straight-up. But give me a hint at least.

3:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe about 2/3 weeks ago we met in a bar (where else...) if I remember correctly,I was a bit tipsy, you thought me how to say what's up in Korean. I don't remember the phrase by now.

D.

5:58 PM  
Blogger CEO of the World said...

I have absolutely no idea.

7:26 PM  
Blogger CEO of the World said...

Sorry, but alcohol has done some serious damage to my long-term memory. Did I meet you through a mutual friend?

11:28 AM  

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