Saturday, December 23, 2006

Star Wars Sixtology... ummm... yeah


Although I look alarmingly similar to most sci-fi geeks, I’ve never been a huge Star Wars fan. This past week, however, I didn’t have work nor the funds to go on vacation so I opted for the next best thing and sat in front of the TV. It seems there’s some sort of Star Wars Bonanza going on because one of the six Star Wars movies is playing at any given point in the day. After carefully watching all the episodes multiple times, I’ve noticed some things that really need to be addressed.

What’s up with Hayden Christensen’s acting? He’s quite possibly the worst actor in the galaxy. When casting, did they do a special Olympics for actors and choose the worst one? And his name, Anakin, why do they choose to abbreviate it so often? They keep calling the guy Annie, and every time I hear it, I’m tempted to stand up and belt out, “The sun will come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar” but I refrain from doing so because I might miss important scenes in the movie.

Is Yoda doing some sort of insurance fraud? Why does he need that cane. I mean, fine, in the episodes that take place during his later years, I can understand the cane. But in episodes 2 and 3, he’s doing back flips and shit and as soon as he’s done, he begins limping and using a cane again. Your supposed work related injury isn’t fooling anyone. We have you on tape you skeevy bastard. Go back to work. And what’s with his grammar? The guy’s almost a thousand years old, and he’s supposedly nearly omniscient. You’d think that by now, he’d speak proper English.

Carrie Fisher (AKA Princess Leia) is very ugly. She looks like a monkey. But in “Return of the Jedi”, that scene with Jabba the Hutt in which she’s a scantily clad prisoner… holy shit. I don’t know if it’s the body or the outfit, but, holy shit. It’s weird because her face is still really ugly. During that whole section of the movie, my penis is very confused.

I hate those scenes in which someone is dying, and they try to say something profound with their last breath. In “Attack of the Clones” there’s a scene where “Annie” tries to rescue his mother. As he’s holding his mother, with her dying breath, she says, “Annie… I love... I love…” and then she dies. How can you ever know what she was really going to say? Maybe she was trying to say, “Annie… I love… I love cock. I just wanted you to know that. I’m going to die now. Peace out biatch.” After all, I always figured that when people are dying, their brains aren’t functioning properly so they’re more prone to say ridiculous things. Hey, you never know.

Conclusion: Star Wars rules.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think with Hayden, he's like that guy from Batman Begins-Christain Bale. Good at acting MAD, and that's about it. Painful to watch them try to reach an emotion...

8:36 AM  
Anonymous Pat said...

Carrie Fisher is friggin' hot, dude. Not just Return of the Jedi, either. I'll grant you that the cinnamon buns in Star Wars detract a little bit from the hotness, but Empire Strikes Back? She was looking mad fine all through that movie.

10:40 AM  

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