If a tree falls in the forest...

I know two kinds of women—the ones who are sexually active (sometimes a little too active) and the ones who are virgins.

How, you ask, does a woman manage to preserve her virginity when she is well into her mid-twenties? She must be one of those Jesus freaks. She must be really ugly. She must have a deformity.

None of the above.

A “virgin” is actually a wild, raging she-demon with an insatiable sexual appetite who sleeps with every man, or person, rather, whom she encounters. The difference between the two? The latter doesn’t tell anyone about it. Both categories engage in all manner of bedroom activity that might get you fined or jailed in several states, but while Group A recounts every detail of every encounter to me in painstaking, sometimes grotesque, detail, Group B does not mention, and often lies to cover up, any sexual debauchery they partake in.

So, if a girl fucks in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it not count?

I’ve always been a strong advocate of owning up to your choices. In high school, I used to say that a girl didn’t really qualify as a slut unless she slept around and hid it. My rationale: a girl wouldn’t feel the need to lie about her choices unless she felt ashamed of them. She wouldn’t feel ashamed of them unless what she had done somehow compromised her morals. Essentially, no motive meant no crime. Many of the girls I knew seemed to be supporters of my theory because they spared me nothing when sharing blowjob tips or telling me about the first time they took it in the ass. Oddly, while the guys I knew wouldn’t surrender the tiniest tidbit of information when it came to a girl they actually cared about, the girls were always relentless. Birthmarks, penis size, duration—nothing was sacred.

While in a perfect world, I still believe a tastefully executed version of this theory would hold true, unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world. No matter what, a woman, whether she sleeps with two men or fifty, will be labeled a “slut” by at least one person. While some women have learned to accept this as a fact of life, some continue to cower from the word in abject horror. Therefore, I can understand why some women feel the need to conceal their whorin’ ways. This would all be fine and dandy were it not for one minor setback—usually sex involves two people. What with the world being so small and the way social circles are often concentric, sometimes I happen to be friends with that second party as well. Sometimes that second party is not so discreet. Sometimes that second party tells me something that makes a girl who has all but convinced everyone that she is the Virgin Mary look a little bit silly.

I guess the tree does make a sound.

-L